5 Things We Learned from The Bachelorette Premiere (And One Thing We Didn’t)

Damian Holbrook May 19, 2015, 3:00 am

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Well, The Bachelorette is a huge tease.

For two hours last night, fans watching the season premiere of ABC’s Survivor for Singletons, eagerly expected to find out if Kaitlyn Bristowe or Britt Nilsson would be crowned the new Bachelorette. Instead, we were led on, then left unsatisfied.

Leaving aside the self-righteous fury of those “offended” by the idea of two women vying for the spot (hello…two dudes were in the same damn boat back in 2004, but nobody got their sensible panties in a twist for Byron Velvick and Jay Overbye. Also, it’s reality TV!), we are more furious with the fact that we never got a straight answer. After endless introductions, inane chit-chat, and one epic fail, “To Be Continued” splashed across the screen right before Chris Harrison had the chance to make someone cry. Now we’re watching the clock for tonight’s, er, climax, so good things had better come to those who wait. And by good things, we mean Kaitlyn.

Until then, here are five of the most important lessons from Monday’s opener:

1. Buzzed is fine. Blotto is fatal. Just ask white-hot mess Ryan M. After hitting the bar early and hard, shouting “I’m all horned up,” picking fights with two other guys, stripping down to his skivvies for a dip in the pool, groping Kaitlyn, and manhandling Britt’s extensions, Chris Harrison had to step in and send the boorish lout to steppin’. Only upside? He’s still single, all you ladies who want to disappoint your parents!

2. “Healer” and “Amateur Sex Coach” are apparently now careers. Thankfully, we only saw the former kiss a bush.

3. It helps if you look like someone famous. Especially if you’re an overly sensitive singer-songwriter who claims to pen tunes about your faith to impress a woman who will clearly agree with anything you say for your rose-vote.

So Brady is the blonde version of @jimmyfallon. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/g4zwciJvWv

— Nick Peterson (@NickPetersonTV) May 19, 2015

4. That said, it doesn’t always matter how good-looking you are. If you adopt the persona of a superhero named LoveMan, as perfectly-jawed Jared did, you’re immediately a tragedy and therefore rendered sexless. Seriously, bud. God gave you the face of a CW star and you waste it on that line? Your friends have failed you.

5. This season should be all about Ian and Ben Z. Forget the male stripper and the dentist who showed up a cupcake car. Or even Corey the investment banker we’d love to leave a deposit with. No, the ones to watch right out of the gate are Ian, the executive recruiter and runner who recovered from a car accident that left him in a wheelchair for a bit, and fitness coach Ben Z. Both guys are 6’4″, have smiles that could turn on the dead, and seem sane. Of course, we’re only one night in, so forgive us the first-impression swoon, ok?

So what did YOU learn from the Bachelorette’s season premiere? Did one of the ladies change your opinion? Should they go with a double-damsel season? Do you think Chris Harrison is ever going to age? Let us know in the comments!