‘Alaskan Bush People’: ‘Beware the Bear-Crow’ (RECAP)

On the Alaskan Bush People episode “Beware the Bear-Crow” (March 17), as bold new predators encroach increasingly closer to the family’s ranch, the Browns devise inventive solutions to defend their livestock. Gabe’s long-distance girlfriend makes her first, long-anticipated visit to the mountain.

It’s late fall on Brown Star Ranch. All appears tranquil. But an ill wind blows through Northern Bushington. War is coming.

But first, let’s watch a ghoulish asshat go fishing for leeches with a dead animal heart.

Noah has a nice little aquarium with an ornamental skull inside it. Noah likes to keep creepy things as pets, which explains why he got married. ZING!

Bear is really getting antsy about the cougars in the area that occasionally show up at night on the production crew’s trail cams. Billy LITERALLY can’t afford to lose one single animal to a predator, so he issues a proclamation from his couch that all of this must be fixed, and fixed by someone other than him, because he is never leaving this couch again.

Birdy and Gabe arrive with coolers full of meat from the bison they shot in last week’s episode. The meat is sealed in plastic bags, probably vacuum sealed by the ranch where the Browns did their canned hunt. Noah’s meat locker, which keeps food fresh for up to 30 minutes, has been outfitted with some fancy shelving units. Gabe is really surprised with this meat locker. He was expecting more of a locker for meat.

Gabe is excited that his girlfriend, Raquell, is finally coming to visit Brown Star Ranch. He wants to look and smell his best. Gabe’s best is slightly above the average person’s worst, so it shouldn’t be too hard to accomplish. For Bush Cosmetology, Gabe makes an appointment with Bear, the family’s most vain member. Bear goes around collecting dirt, grasses, pine needles, slime and eggs, and then proceeds to slather all this into Gabe’s hair.

Only on Alaskan Bush People could filth improve a man’s appearance.

Noah and Bear are developing another silly predator deterrent. You’ll recall that in Brownton Abbey, Noah rigged up some police lights that were supposed to frighten off bears. How’d that work out again?

But this new thing is going to be so much better! They’re making a “Bear-Crow.” If that sounds familiar, they also made a low-tech Bear-Crow back in Brownton Abbey:

Bear-Crow 2.0 is going to have a few upgrades. It’s designed to “raise up and go ‘AAHH!'” when it senses motion, as Noah demonstrates below.

The Bear-Crow is actually just an animatronic Halloween decoration that has been modified and dressed to look like Bear.

Raquell has finally arrived at Brown Star Ranch, and Gabe is introducing her to the fake Bush lifestyle. Raquell is originally from Minnesota, and she became friends with Rainy while the Browns were exiled to Southern California. Gabe claims that he’s been dating Raquell for a year, and they’ve kept the long-distance thing going since the Browns moved to Bushington. (SPOILER ALERT! They got married in January.)

Like a lot of the fake dates the Brown boys used to bring to Brownton Abbey, Raquell is entranced by the Bush. Unlike the fake dates of the past, Raquell will be sticking around.

Raquell doesn’t seem like a very outdoorsy person. She asks Gabe if he likes “long walks to the fridge at midnight like I do.”

Um, yeah. Not going to touch that one.

Meanwhile, Bam is working hard on his parcel of land. He has big plans to build a big, beautiful wall around his property…and get Birdy to pay for it! He starts staking out his territory.

But there is a border dispute. Bam is encroaching on Birdy’s sovereign territory. He has violated the Bush Code by moving the Mr. Chipmunk Cheeks memorial sign! This aggression will not stand!

Mr. Chipmunk Cheeks was Birdy’s cat, who arrived at Brown Star Ranch and was immediately run over by a car. They buried Chippy in a plastic storage tub, and they named this dirt road in his honor.

Birdy assembles an emergency session of the Council of Browns, though she doesn’t invite Bam to have a say in his defense. Billy, the one person who could settle this immediately, ain’t getting off the couch for this B.S.

This sham Council of Browns is forming a coalition to stop the expansion of Bam’s empire. There is talk of using cannons and trebuchets to dislodge Bam from the disputed zone by force. Noah recommends a duel with swords.

It’s decided that more time must be allowed for diplomacy to work. Good thing, too, because Bam would slay every one of them.

The time as come for Raquell to withstand the trials. If she can survive the first ordeal with Bear, then she has proved her EXXXXTREMENESS.

Eh. Maybe not those tests. How about starting fires? They do that in Minnesota, right?

Bear seems pleased. Raquell passes the trial by fire. She also passes the travail of the canned meat. There remains just one more test.

The Bear-Crow 2.0 project is progressing, though initial field testing revealed that the motion sensor did not possess the range necessary to make the Bear-Crow raise up and go ‘AAHH!’ This sends Noah back to his laboratory to make some alterations.

You see, Noah’s watched a lot of old movies and has read a lot of books, and therefore he’s qualified to perform “surgery and whatnot.” Fortunately, the Bear-Crow is not a living, breathing life form, and surgery in this case is installing a rumble device from an old video game controller and a “voice box” with a recording of Bear yelling. She Who Will Not Be Named assists Noah in the operation, and she’s on camera just long enough to give me the willies.

That is inappropriate workplace behavior! Harassment! Notify HR! #MeToo!

Anyway, the surgery was a success. Not only will the Bear-Crow frighten away cougars from a longer distance, it will allow Noah to cheat and use the carpool lane on the Mr. Chipmunk Cheeks Memorial Freeway.

Noah and Bear complete the Bear-Crow installation just outside the barn’s door. The Bear-Crow has one of the most important jobs on Brown Star Ranch, and all it has to do is sit there. It’s already accomplished more on the ranch than Billy has.

Noah has plans to place more Bear-Crows at strategic spots throughout Brown Star Ranch. I can’t wait until a Bear-Crow frightens Brutus the bull and he just lays waste to the entire ranch.

Birdy is going to retaliate against Bam for desecrating her dead cat’s memorial. She fiendishly dupes Gabe into helping her relocate all of Bam’s beehives. Birdy’s reasoning is that the beehives are too close to Mother Ami’s trailer and they’ll pester her while she’s sitting outside drinking her iced tea. There’s also the chance that the hives could attract a bear. Birdy thinks that the hives should be moved from neutral territory to Bam’s parcel of land, and it should be done without consulting him.

They skip over telling us about how Birdy and Gabe sealed up the hives without getting stung to death like Macaulay Culkin in My Girl. Birdy says the bees are “sleeping,” but I call B.S. on that. I don’t think there are any bees in there. The footage of bees that we see is probably taken from last season.

Gabe and Birdy are unloading the hives onto Bam’s land when Bam just happens to drive past, and he’s like:

Bam confronts Birdy and Gabe, and I fully expect him to absolutely ballistic. Instead, he just walks away in a huff. But you know he’s plotting some serious revenge. Birdy may have won this battle, but the war has just begun.

The time has come for Raquell to face the ultimate test. She must “meet” Billy and Mother Ami. Of course, since Raquell is Rainy’s friend and they hung out together in L.A., I’m pretty sure Raquell met Billy and Mother Ami long ago. But lets just go through this rigmarole for the sake of the viewers at home.

Raquell is nervous because she’s heard that Billy and Mother Ami shoot guns and stuff. But the meeting goes well. Billy is happy that Raquell likes to go fishing. Mother Ami asks Raquell if she’s a God-fearing woman. Raquell replies that she is. That’s good enough for Mother Ami. After all, Billy taught her everything she knows about being “genuine and true.”

Some time later, Gabe visits Billy and Mother Ami in the trailer. Gabe says things are going very well with Raquell. She likes it at Brown Star Ranch, and she’s stayed longer than she expected. Billy says that he’s noticed Raquell is still there, even though his ass hasn’t left the couch in three days. Then Gabe says that he and Raquell are getting married.

Billy and Mother Ami are surprised (or they pretend to be). They ask Gabe if Raquell is cool with producing grandbabies. Gabe says that she is. Raquell has passed the final test. She is now property of Brown Star Ranch.

I wonder when it will come up on the show that Raquell already has two kids.

Next week: Billy Brown Syndrome returns!

And now it’s time for this week’s episode of “That’s Matt!,” in which we take a social media look at Matt’s sober adventures in California. Last week, Matt enjoyed coffee brewed with a French press.

Sure as hell beats filtering coffee through your sock, eh?

Join us next week for another installment of “That’s Matt!”

Alaskan Bush People, Sundays, 10/9c, Discovery Channel