The Best TV & Movie Bartenders, Ranked
April 7 marks National Beer Day, a commemoration of the day in 1933 when the Cullen-Harrison Act went into effect in the United States. That legislation legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages of 3.2% ABV or lower at a time when harder drinks were still prohibited.
Here at TV Insider, we couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate National Beer Day with our readers than to grab a cold one with our favorite bartenders from the screen. From a 19th-century saloon owner to a 24th-century spaceship tapster, these are the characters we’re toasted today.
9. Arthur, Passengers
Michael Sheen’s dapper-dressed android bartender glides around the bar of the spaceship Avalon, polishing already-polished glasses (“Makes people nervous when a bartender just stands there,” he explains) and seeming none too concerned that one of the passengers awoke from hibernation 90 years early. He’s also clearly inspired by The Shining, which makes him the most interesting thing in the movie.
Bartender wisdom: “You can’t get so hung up on where you’d rather be that you forget how to make the most of where you are. Take a break from worrying what you can’t control. Live a little.”
8. Lil, Coyote Ugly
A bright spot in a so-bad-it’s-good movie, Lil (Maria Bello) is the “original coyote” of the eponymous bar, which was so named only because “Cheers” was already taken, she says. Lil cares about her employees but probably cares about her establishment — her “home” — first and foremost.
Bartender wisdom: “Cammie, you can only be a tease if you stop sleepin’ around, babe.”
7. Brian Flanagan, Cocktail
As the business student-turned-bartender Brian, Tom Cruise juggles liquor bottles and jumps on the bar to recite poetry in this movie… and the character’s showmanship probably made real-life bartenders begrudgingly jazz up their presentation.
Bartender wisdom: “America, you’re just devoted to every flavor I got. But if you want to got loaded, why don’t you just order a shot?”
6. Moe Szyslak, The Simpsons
The proprietor and namesake of Moe’s Tavern, voiced by Hank Azaria, isn’t exactly known for his hospitality — or his morals, frankly. But beneath that cantankerous exterior is a lonely Duff-slinger yearning for human connection.
Bartender wisdom: “I wrote that letter so you three chumps would realize that you have not been treatin’ your wives the way they deserve. Think of it as a wake-up call from a man who ain’t got nothin’ but a blow-up doll. And even she left me. Should not have used helium.”
5. Al Swearengen, Deadwood
No matter what government and constabulary tries to control Deadwood, Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) is arguably the most powerful man in town. The foul-mouthed fellow uses his Gem Saloon not just as his bar and brothel but as his base of operations for his personal agenda.
Bartender wisdom: “In life, you have to do a lot of things you don’t f—king want to do. Many times. That’s what the f—k life is… one vile f—king task after another. Don’t get aggravated. Then the enemy has you by the short hair.”
4. Guinan, Star Trek
The USS Enterprise’s onetime bartender (Whoopi Goldberg) has a relationship “beyond friendship and beyond family” with Captain-turned-Admiral Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart). Across multiple Star Trek series and films, she proves to be an excellent listener — a trait of her El-Aurian species — as she and Picard enjoy each other’s company and the occasional fencing match.
Bartender wisdom: “I think your answers are not in the stars, and they never have been. Also, I suggest that we drink. Because I think there’s one final frontier yet to come.”
3. Isaac Washington, The Love Boat
Isaac (Ted Lange) isn’t just any bartender, he’s your bartender… as he points out, so to speak, in The Love Boat’s opening credits. That finger-gun gesture is just one of the ways Isaac, always a friendly face aboard the ship, woos viewers and passengers alike.
Bartender wisdom: “I mean, who cares about an eight-million-dollar horse when I’m with my billion-dollar baby.”
2. Marion Ravenwood, Indiana Jones
When we first meet Marion (Karen Allen) in the Indiana Jones series, she’s tending bar in Nepal, drinking patrons under the table for extra money, and standing up to anyone who crosses her. Watch out for that right hook!
Bartender wisdom: “Listen, Herr Mac, I don’t know what kind of people you’re used to dealing with. Nobody tells me what to do in my place.”
1. Sam Malone, Cheers
This former Red Sox relief pitcher coasts on his quasi-celebrity status at his Boston watering hole, showing up as a womanizing sleaze whom audiences nevertheless root for. The Ted Danson character’s love life might be a “Mayday” situation, but the bar (where everybody knows your name) wouldn’t be the same without him.
Bartender wisdom: “I’ve got to remind you here, Paul, a gentleman does not kiss and tell. It’s just not cool. [Paul says, ‘But you do it, Sam.’] True. True. But I’m Sam Malone, and by definition, everything I do is cool.”
From TV Guide Magazine
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